My 'real father' is my stepfather. My 'Dad' or my 'biological father' is a guy I like to visit every few months and have a couple of beers with. The man speaking was a member of one of our pre-placement groups. We had been discussing such words as 'real', 'own', 'biological', 'natural'. . . words that are fraught with emotion for everyone involved in adoption. As he talked further, he commented, You should see him, I'm the spit and image of him.

     Silence followed as each of us in our own way absorbed the emotional message. How similar his situation was to that of the adopted child. What he had to deal with is akin to what we have described as the Adoption Dilemma. Let us look a little more closely at the nature of that dilemma.

     All adopted children have two sets of parents. They must somehow come to know them both and settle for themselves what their relationship to each will be. Although for some this may be beyond their control, they will try. Knowledge of the biological parents may be actual, it may be by way of information that is enough to satisfy them, or, if neither of these is possible, it will be imaginary. But know them they must if they are to resolve their dilemma and thus free themselves to be all they are capable of being.

     The group member who said, I am the spit and image of him, expressed an awareness that might have been stated another way, I am part of him too! There seemed to be no question in his mind that the stepfather who cared for him, provided for him and showed his love in innumerable ways, day in and day out was, indeed, his father. And it also seemed very clear that he loved this father all the more because he in no way maligned his 'Dad'. Another group member asked, What if you had never been allowed to see your 'Dad' or to know anything about him?

     I guess I would have been very hurt.

     It should be the responsibility of all prospective adoptive parents to seriously consider whether they can help adoptive children resolve their dilemma. And the best time to begin is before you accept the responsibility of a child. The way to begin is to look very realistically at who the children are who are available for adoption and why they are available. Examine their backgrounds and then let your heart tell you what you feel. The matter is not necessarily rational. Adoption touches strong emotions. It is a unique experience which raises a variety of questions, both of a personal and social nature, and those planning to become involved should explore these thoroughly to determine whether they can prepare themselves to meet the special needs which arise in that relationship.

     Much of this is more easily said than done, for there are no happy circumstances that lead to adoption. The very fact children need to be placed in adoptive homes tells us that something unpleasant has already happened to them. They may have been born of unmarried parents who were not prepared to take on the responsibility of caring for them. They may be the product of rape or incest, or an extra-marital affair. They may have been forcibly removed from their parents by the courts because of neglect or abuse. They may have been abandoned. Each one has a tragic story, and all too often adoptive applicants do not want to hear what that story is. If I don't know, I can honestly tell a child I don't know, and that will be that. Such a view is truly naive. The unknown frequently holds more horror than any truth. Both social workers and adoptive parents have been guilty in the past of fostering a vague, meaningless 'explanation' to all adoptive children that has, in effect, left all with the feeling that there is no way to learn why their placement was necessary. Your mother gave you up because she loved you, we told them all, as if that made any sense whatsoever. She wanted what was best for you so she gave you to an agency to make sure they found the best possible home for you. And now adults who were adopted as children are telling us that such answers will not suffice. Their message is clear. They must work out their dilemma ... their own dilemma. This is a very personal matter, and can best be accomplished when the children are able to understand the reasons for their placement.

     The biological parents made the decision to surrender the child. The adoptive parents willingly accepted parenthood. Now it remains for the adopted child to take an active part in the decision. This is a very essential part of the maturing process. It does involve choice on the child's part. This appears to be threatening to many adoptive parents and may account for their reluctance to be truly helpful to their children in facing the important questions about adoption. This choice need not be a matter of 'either - or'. The children must decide 'what' their relationship with each set of parents will be and it is ideally to be hoped that the parents involved will help them accomplish this.

     In order to be able to be of help to the children, it seems to be essential that there be, at the very least, respect between the two sets of parents. But how does one develop respect for child deserters, abusers? For those who conceive children and then do not care for them? Is this not more than should be expected, particularly if we ask it of those who want children desperately and may be unable to bear them? Yes, it is much, but no more than is crucial to a good adoptive relationship.

     Just as children who know nothing about their biological background will have great difficulty in successfully resolving their dilemma, so too, the parent who has no understanding of their background will have serious trouble in helping children.

     When your application is accepted by an adoption agency, you will be invited to take part in a 'homestudy'. This is a process which enables the agency to get to know you and to help you consider whether adoption is really for you. The very process itself also serves as an emotional preparation for the role of adoptive parenthood.

     There are two major tasks that should be undertaken by those who wish to prepare themselves for the role of adoptive parenthood:

1. They must develop some understanding of those parents who surrender or lose their children.
2. They must learn enough about themselves to understand what things in their own experience might interfere with such understanding.

     This should be the core of every 'homestudy'. Some people may come to the conclusion that they are not prepared to undertake the adoptive relationship. Others may find that they are capable of much more than they thought possible. In either case the effort should be well worthwhile. There is at stake human life and happiness, yours as well as that of any child who may become yours.

     For those couples who are unable to bear children biologically, it is especially important to consider what this means to each of them and to the marriage. The inability to reproduce themselves is a basic threat to many childless couples. The attitudes of outsiders frequently adds to feelings of inadequacy. If the problem is not resolved, an adopted child may be a constant reminder of such feelings of inadequacy.

     Where appropriate, the 'homestudy' will include a discussion about a couple's feelings regarding their infertility and how they have tried to cope with them. Interestingly, the discussion itself is sometimes very helpful in the resolution of these feelings. This can be particularly true if your agency involves you in group discussions with other adoptive applicants. Perhaps nothing is more helpful than recognition that a particular problem is shared by many. I have seen numerous couples relax considerably when they talked over with others their childlessness and the accompanying fears, humiliation, and tensions which they had previously endured alone. To be with others who are obviously normal, healthy, well functioning individuals and to recognize that they have lived through and understand their experiences is very helpful to many. Those couples who do become comfortable about their infertility will usually be able to deal comfortably with adoption. This, of course, is essential if parents are to be prepared to support children in resolving their dilemma. Those who cannot accept their infertility frequently have the most difficulty in facing adoption with their children. They will try to deny the existence of other parents in the child's past and they will, therefore, force the children to try to handle their dilemma alone. Not only is this a formidable task for a child, it will exclude the adoptive parents and in that way lessen the closeness of their relationship.

     This is just one example of what you will be discussing in your 'study'. I cite it in an effort to help you understand something of what should be involved in your preparation for making a very important decision. Hopefully, the process involved in the 'study' will not become a contest to see if you can outwit your worker (You can, of course. Despite their training and experience, social workers are not mind readers.). Rather the 'study' is meant to be a means whereby you can better evaluate for yourself your readiness for adoptive parenthood. It is true that the ultimate responsibility for the placement of children rests with the agency, but a unilateral decision is rarely necessary. Remember the agency is at least as anxious as you are to place the waiting children.