I think you should call the book Unfair. Yes, adoption is unfair! Kids tease you ... mean kids. They say you don't have any real parents. They are the same kids who call you 'four eyes'. They just like to make you mad and then, when you get mad and beat them, they don't tease you anymore. But just the same, adoption is unfair. Yeah, well, you know, I just think about my real parents, who they are and I wonder where they live. I would like to know what they look like, what they do for a living. Mainly, who they are. It seems unfair not to know. Yes, they are unfair. Because they just left me there. I don't know why. I haven't the slightest idea. I don't know them and I might never know them, so how can I give them reasons? I can't imagine any reason. It seems very strange to me that anyone would give up a child. Maybe they couldn't afford one... but if you and Dad ran out of money, you would get a loan... I don't know. It's very puzzling.

     As a social worker with a good number of years experience in the field of adoption, I would be likely to advise parents who heard such comments from their children to listen carefully to what is really being said, to give the assurance the children need ... to really listen, not argue, give them ample opportunity to discuss their feelings.

     But these were not the words of a client's child; they are the words of my very own son. And what I want to say is, What do you mean your 'Real Parents'? I am your mother... your 'Real Mother'. But we both know what he means. Adoption does present a dilemma. And the successful resolution of that dilemma is what determines the success of every adoptive placement. Each time somebody new finds out, they sound like they think there is something wrong about being adopted. It makes me feel a little funny. Sometimes I think they are going to say something bad about it. When I told Diana, she said, 'You are? I thought I was the only person in the world being adopted.' She sounded like she felt bad about it. The only bad thing is you should at least be able to see your other Mom. If I could see her I would say, 'Well, are you my other Mom, really?' I would tell her that I have been wanting to meet her. It feels a little unfair that I haven't met her. I would ask her what it was like to have a baby and then not keep it. I think it would be sad, because I'd like to keep the baby ... because I like little kids. I love babies. . . . When David was little we used to exercise him and have a lot of fun. I think I'd like to take care of babies. It seems a tiny bit funny to me that she didn't. I think she didn't keep me because maybe she just didn't know how to take care of a baby. Maybe she didn't even have a husband. Maybe she was just a teenager and couldn't keep me. It is a little hard to understand. I would ask her where she lived so I could visit her sometime. Maybe she would tell me why she didn't keep me.

     And these words from a bubbly little girl who had just finished telling me what a terrific Mom I am.

     We like to say that we have four natural children of our own, three of whom came to us by way of adoption. All parents want to feel that their children are their own, and we are not exceptions. Our day to day living is like that of other families. We are not constantly thinking about how the children arrived. Most of the time we are working, eating, sleeping, playing, bandaging little bruises. trying to cut down the noise. We laugh, we cry, we scream. We tell each other how much we love each other and when things get out of hand, we let each other know how disgusted we are. We are just a family. But we know too that bringing up children who are adopted presents some added difficulties. Difficulties do not imply impossibilities, but there are some facts that must be faced if we are to help our children handle the Adoption Dilemma. The essence of that dilemma is in the fact that every adopted child has two sets of parents. Every adopted child must somehow come to know them both and to settle for himself what his relationship is to be with each.

This book represents an effort to help adoptive parents help their children deal with the Adoption Dilemma. It is dedicated to the Council of Adoptive Parents of Rochester, New York, whose concern for all children is exemplary.

     It is a composite of both my personal and professional experience.

     It is edited by my children.